How To: Give Constructive Criticism

How To: Give Constructive Criticism

I recently had lunch with one of the world’s most well-known critics, so I took the opportunity to ask her what she thought of the three judges on American Idol. “Truly, constructive criticism conveys that indispensable degree of honesty through a combination of credibility and skilled diplomacy,” she said. “For example, Simon Cowell is too cold, while Paula Abdul is often way too warm. But Randy Jackson strikes the proper balance between the two.” I pressed Goldilocks to elaborate, and she said, “He’s just right.”

Someone submitting themselves to you for approval makes giving constructive criticism fraught with pitfalls. Here are some tips to find that critical golden mean so that your comments neither sound inutile nor cause too much offense, while still getting the person to respond and improve accordingly.

Omit character traits

If you want your criticism to get the best out of someone, suppress the urge to attach one of his personality deficits to your critique. If you do start to bring up personality deficits, it’s likely he will interpret your comment as an ad hominem attack, causing your point to fall on deaf, insulted ears. It isn’t possible to entirely separate a person from their work, but your criticism should make that effort.

Frame your criticism in appropriate language

The very words you speak can make all the difference. Using terminology germane to the issue keeps constructive criticism on a professional level, beyond reproach. Furthermore, you can thaw out even the most severe criticism by tenderizing your language. Opening with “It seems to me…,” or “I could be wrong, but…” makes it less likely that your point is compromised by arrogance or rudeness.

Get your facts straight

The efficacy of constructive criticism is in direct proportion to the credibility of its source. Conversely, few things can torpedo your authority more quickly than unknowingly basing your comments on factual errors. Facts in the form of criticisms that are impossible to dispute act as an arsenal of stealth weaponry. They can deliver your harsher critiques with surgical precision while never letting the person know that you’re launching them.

Show a little empathy when giving constructive criticism…

Keep emotions in mind and in check

Offering effective constructive criticism requires you to neutralize any unreliable elements of emotion in order to blunt their influence. To a certain degree, you must take his feelings into account; it may not be possible to spare him some measure of embarrassment, but overt humiliation is mean-spirited and counterproductive. On the same token, your own feelings need to be kept in check; they are susceptible to bias and can be used to discredit you.

Focus on what can be done, not what’s been done

Refer to specific opportunities for improvement and avoid singling out inadequacies. Keeping your criticisms positive is both tactful and essential. It’s less disparaging for the person to hear that he has overlooked an opportunity than it is to be told that his current ideas are incompetent or defective.

Empathize

One of the more potent steps you can take before delivering constructive criticism is also among the simpler and more compassionate ones: Stop for a moment and remind yourself what it’s like to be in those shoes. You feel vulnerable, under direct attack and it’s human nature to become defensive in the extreme.

Utilize reason, not personal preference

Criticism of any kind bears an innate bias, but you can overcome that by remembering that comments grounded on reason are less open to counter-arguments, both valid and otherwise. It’s difficult for anyone to defend nonsense against the stability of logic, but it’s easy to dismiss criticisms dangled on the capriciousness of ”like” and “dislike.”  Your credentials fade the very moment your comments begin to drift from authoritative conclusions into whimsical preferences.

Allow time for a response

It’s to your psychological advantage to pause between criticisms and allow the person a chance to explain himself. The act of offering an explanation, however weak it may be, is intellectually satisfying: It helps keep his ego somewhat intact while preventing him from becoming overwhelmed. Furthermore, you’ll come across as both fair and open-minded, increasing your credibility while decreasing the chance that any of your constructive criticism gets overlooked or forgotten.

tell it like it is

Giving good constructive criticism will probably not win you too many immediate friends, but neither should it create a host of enemies.  When delivered with a consistently proper balance of tact and authority, it will earn you something better: an enduring respect and a greater degree of productivity from the people around you.

Why We Hunt Bears

Why We Hunt Bears

Ken H. Taylor is a renowned northern Canadian woodsman and guide. His lifetime of experience, knowledge of the outdoors and attention to detail is equaled only by the passion and respect he has for the natural world. Over the next four weeks, Ken will take AM readers through the basics of hunting the North American black bear. Today we publish the first article in Ken’s series, which focuses on why hunting bears is a necessary and positive tradition.

Among the bear species found in North America, by far the most numerous and widespread is the black bear. In this modern era, black bears have been perceived and treated in many different ways, from vermin that were indiscriminately killed (in some cases with a bounty on their heads) to animals that continue to be mismanaged because of our modern society’s tendencies to mix human emotions with the science of wildlife management.

I like black bears. I respect black bears. I believe in black bear conservation. And yes, I am a hunter — one of the original conservationists.

I have lived in bear country all of my 55 years and first began hunting them on my own at the age of 12. I smile now when I look back at this time, when youthful enthusiasm and a yearning for adventure overshadowed my lack of experience and necessary tools. Thankfully, the opportunity to harvest one didn’t present itself until the ripe old age of 15, a day when I was proudly carrying an old .303 British rifle, passed on from my dad, who was with me that evening.

INSERT PARAGRAPH addressing debate surrounding bear hunting, and positioning this article as a contributing voice to it; declare the goal of the article to present reasons why hunting is necessary

Hunting for sustenance

In the Cree community where I live, bear is among the most highly regarded types of meat. Every edible portion of it is consumed and enjoyed, including the head, the feet and all of the fat. The meat from black bears is excellent; if anyone tells you otherwise it may be because it was poorly handled or simply because they have a disdain for bear meat. In rare cases, a bear that has been feeding heavily on fish for an extended period of time or one that is injured or sick would best not be harvested for table fare (but then common sense should prevail).

Our use of the harvested bear does not end at the meal table. The elders will make traditional medicine with the fat as well as using it for other practical purposes. Native tribes often followed the custom of keeping parts of the animal, such as the skull, teeth, claws, or portions of the hide, that they would preserve and fashion into various items as a sign of respect to the animal and a reminder of the hunt. Many modern-day hunters continue that tradition today through taxidermy, whereby their bear hides are transformed into a bearskin rug or into a replica of the animal they harvested — some so lifelike that they are works of art.

Ken explains how bear hunting is crucial to population control…

Hunting as population management

Human encroachment into bear territory causes problems both for people and for bears. In cold climates, since black bears hibernate several months of the year and need to build up fat reserves in order to survive long winters, they become eating machines during their more active periods. An overpopulation of these bears in a limited area can cause food shortages, which in turn will result in many hungry  bears searching elsewhere for their vitally required calories. And this can lead to confrontations with humans.

When such confrontations occur, bears are sometimes relocated at the taxpayer’s expense, which is a temporary solution since they often return and eventually are simply killed. These situations may be amplified when there is a poor crop of wild berries in late summer or early fall. This happened last year in northwestern Quebec, and bears began showing up everywhere near human habitations. Many went to waste when they were then killed by conservation officers or nervous homeowners.

The fact of the matter is that a land area that is managed by hunting to hold slightly less bears than its maximum carrying capacity allows for healthier and more reclusive bears.

Hunting to maintain natural balance

Hunters often want to harvest larger bears, and the biggest bears are always boars. Since mature boars will kill and eat bear cubs, hunters are protecting cubs and contributing to the rejuvenation of the bear population by seeking them out selectively. Bears also inflict a heavy toll on young moose, caribou, elk, and deer populations. Someone might argue that this is simply the “balance of nature,” but the hunting of bears is in keeping with this; the only natural predator bears have (besides other bears) is man.

Bears that are not hunted may lose their fear of man and confront them, and an unarmed person is no match for a mature black bear. There was a fatal bear attack on a woman fishing in Quebec last spring. The odds of it happening are slim, and the rare instances when it does happen do not make bears any more dangerous than they ever were, but it is something to consider nonetheless.

There are many more reasons to hunt bears than can be discussed here now. My own urge to hunt comes from deep within me, as does the respect I have for all of God’s creatures and the land we inhabit. Hunting bears awakens instincts and feelings in me that bring me closer to my ancestors.

Next Sunday, AM will publish the second segment in Ken’s series: Finding A Bear.

Dealing With Ultimatums

Dealing With Ultimatums

Everyone has their own way of making sure that they get their way, and women in relationships are no different. When things stop going according to plan and your girlfriend is seeing things spiral out of control, she may resort to the ultimate in relationship warfare — the ultimatum. Whether you aren’t pulling your weight around the house or you haven’t proposed something according to her schedule, you may be faced with the patented female cry of, “or else.” She might threaten to leave you or to just make your life miserable; either way, you want to avoid a standoff with a woman scorned.

Depending on your situation, there are a few tactics that can help you out when dealing with ultimatums. These tactics are especially useful if you judge your situation correctly and react with the appropriate tone. Read on to get prepared for just about anything she can throw your way, and how you can diffuse an otherwise no-win situation. While you might not get these exact bombs thrown your way, this guide can help you categorize what she wants and what to do when dealing with ultimatums.

ultimatum no. 1

“If you don’t help fold the laundry the ‘right’ way, I’m going to stop picking up after you.”

Response tactic: Ignore it

Just because she drops the ”my way or the highway” bomb, doesn’t mean you have to react and get into an argument. If her request is not relationship threatening and is really a minor threat, she’s probably trying to work out another relationship issue by baiting you. Warning: Only use this tactic when dealing with ultimatums that are of the ”take out the trash” sorts.

ultimatum no. 2

“You have to talk to me about your feelings or our relationship is going to go sour.”

Response tactic: Comply with it

This ultimatum is serious in a relationship and can definitely spell disaster if you don’t play your cards right. Since it’s a valid request and it doesn’t require that you go above and beyond normal relationship behavior, it’s OK to just take one for the team and do as she asks. Truth be told, you might even find that you can get away with upping your communication level only slightly and she’ll still be receptive. She might even feel a compelling bond between the two of you and consequently be friskier in bed.

ultimatum no. 3

“My mother insists I date someone that’s the same religion, you have to convert or our relationship is finished.”

Response tactic: Rationalize with her

If you truly disagree or are opposed to what she wants from you, it’s time to take out your thinking cap. The best thing to do when dealing with ultimatums of this sort is to explain the reasons behind your opinion and have a discussion about why her issue isn’t a possibility for you right now — or ever. Since these types of requests are touchy and emotional, a simple “no” won’t suffice; she’s going to need solid facts for your refusal.

Dealing with ultimatums is a delicate art, which is why we have four more tips…

ultimatum no. 4

“I want public displays of affection, or you can’t go out with the boys anymore.”

Response tactic: Compromise with her

A woman who’s requesting a change of behavior from you should be prepared to cut a deal when something is important to her. Compromising with your girlfriend shows that you value her point of view, but it also lets you retain your own standards, and dignity, without completely caving in. Since this ultimatum is a fairly grave one, and since you might not be comfortable showing your affections in public, it’s important to take the time to discuss when PDAs are and aren’t acceptable. For example, you hold her hand on shopping trips, and she cools it when you’re out with your pals.

ultimatum no. 5

“No more nights out with the guys, or else we’re spending more time at my parents’ place.”

Response tactic: Deflect the threat

If the request is outrageous or completely self-serving, it’s fine to turn the tables and send the ultimatum back at her. If she says, “if you loved me you wouldn’t go out with the guys tonight,” your response could be, “if you loved me you wouldn’t be afraid of me having a social life.” No woman can expect complete compliance when she’s asking you to change, so when you rework her ultimatum into a response that focuses on her, she’ll understand how the situation might really be about her and not you. Granted, your approach will have to be more gentle than what’s presented, but you get the general idea.

ultimatum no. 6

“If you don’t’ start calling me more and spending more time on our relationship, I’m not having sex with you.”

Response tactic: Empathize with her

An upset or angry woman might throw ultimatums at you when she’s feeling out of control in other areas in her life. What she’s really after is the emotional satisfaction of power with the added benefit of your devotion. If her demanding and irrational behavior is obviously a result of tension elsewhere in her life and isn’t really a valid reflection of the problems in your relationship, try setting the ultimatum aside and get to the root of the problem. As an example, she might be feeling isolated from a close friend and is looking for you to fill a void; her only recourse to get what she wants is to threaten your probation from her other void.

ultimatum no. 7

“You have six months to propose, or I’m finding someone who will.”

Response tactic: Refuse to cave

An ultimatum forces a decision, whether you’re ready or not. If you don’t want to play games with your woman or are tired of repetitive threats, call her bluff and let her follow through with her “or else.” If she has announced that she’ll leave you if you don’t propose by her birthday, let her. She’ll no doubt come back to reality pretty quickly when she realized that her plan isn’t going to work.

defusing her threats

Your woman’s ultimatums can make you feel as though you’re painted into a corner and they can put you on the defensive, which, of course, isn’t going to make for a solid relationship. It’s important to remember that not all ultimatums are created equal and, therefore, you can’t respond the same way each time. When your girlfriend uses threats to get her way, the ball is in your court and the only thing you can control is your reaction. Knowing when to fight and when to go with the flow is the most vital ultimatum skill.

10 Things She Learns From Porn Stars

10 Things She Learns From Porn Stars

Women’s magazines slip us the kind of information that we wouldn’t find elsewhere; they reveal a female perspective that most men just aren’t privy to. How they read into our behavior, how they perceive our actions, what their true expectations are… there’s plenty to be learned from a glimpse into the other side.

AskMen.com will be providing you with just this kind of gender intelligence — without the embarrassment that comes with retrieving it from your girlfriend’s magazine rack. We’ll be publishing a series of features from iVillage.com; articles originally written by women for women, but with insight that’s invaluable to men. Of course, in exchange, we had to offer up some intelligence of our own… all the more reason for you to get on the inside track as soon as you can.

x-rated education

Think your girl is disgusted by porn? Think again. iVillage.com lets AM readers in on a dirty little secret: Some women find a certain appeal in the strong, confident female porn star. And since every woman wants to be confident in the bedroom, here are 10 things your gal pal can gain from observing your favorite X-rated actress.

porn star secrets

Whether you hate that your guy watches porn or opt to watch it with him, you always wonder about one thing: the mystique of the porn star. She’s everything a good girl doesn’t want to be — except in the bedroom. Wish you could mesmerize your man like his favorite video vixen? Brenda Della Casa, author of Cinderella Was a Liar, has compiled a cheat sheet of porn babes’ best-kept secrets. Once you know what they know, you can try the tricks at home — no over-processed hair or camcorder required. Your man will be putty in your hands, but the biggest payoff? You will end up more satisfied in the process.

1- Show a little enthusiasm

Good-girl approach: Many of us have been taught that sex is not a high priority, so when your guy wants to do the horizontal tango, you make excuses or treat it like another chore on your to-do list.

Porn-babe secret: They enjoy what feels good without reservation — and they show their partners how excited they are by engaging them with their speech and movements. They understand that diving into the sack with someone who isn’t into it is like sharing a “romantic” meal with someone who’s watching television.

Tantalizing tip: Take the initiative! Wake him up with a below-the-belt kiss. Send him a naughty text message midway through the day. In bed, get into the moment by looking into his eyes and telling him how eager you are to be with him.

2- Speak up

Good-girl approach: Your sack sessions hardly leave you invigorated, but you’re scared that any attempt to spice things up will make you seem like a tramp.

Porn-babe secret: Toss the dated worries — liking sex doesn’t make you a hussy; it makes you human. Tell him how much you enjoy it when he kisses that special spot or mention something you’re craving in the heat of the moment. Just asking for something new can be a huge turn-on for both partners.

Tantalizing tip: Pop open a bottle of wine and initiate a little game of truth-or-dare. Or surprise him with a spicy flick and point out the scenes you’d be open to trying. There’s a good chance he’d like to experiment, too, but is keeping it to himself because he doesn’t want to offend you.

3- Love those thighs

Good-girl approach: You hate your hips, your backside is less than baby-smooth, blah, blah, blah.

Porn-babe secret: They know that men love sex — he’s absolutely thrilled when your thighs are wrapped around him, dimples and all. He would never forgo what feels good to accommodate something as silly as a body insecurity or two.

Tantalizing tip: Illuminate the bedroom, living room or even kitchen with candles, which give a soft glow that glides over perceived imperfections. Give him the visualization he craves and get off (pun intended) on the fact that you are the reason for every moan and squirm your man makes.

4- Know thyself

Good-girl approach: You find masturbation embarrassing or shameful, so you rarely try it (and never admit to it when you do).

Porn-babe secret: Make like a seasoned porn babe and figure out what works for you by caressing your thighs, breasts and everything in between. Not knowing what feels good is like taking a cross-country road trip without a map.

Tantalizing tip: If you’re like many gals and the manual approach leaves you feeling less than thrilled, simply find something else to tickle your fancy. After a few solo sessions, bring your man into the action for a steamy one-on-one lesson.

5- Get a new bedtime script

Good-girl approach: Your pillow talk doesn’t get much racier than a few “oh, baby’s” tossed in with a few “you feel so good’s.”

Porn-babe secret: Men are competitive by nature, and they love to know they are the best at whatever it is they’re doing, including you. Porn babes know that just hearing a female verbally tap into the action is enough to make him explode.

Tantalizing tip: Get comfy with the saucy talk by writing down some sexy thoughts and reading them out loud alone a few times. In bed, start small by giving him a play-by-play of the action, telling him what he’s doing to you or asking questions such as, “Do you like it when I [insert verb here] you?”

6- Get a little uncomfortable

Good-girl approach: Your weekend look of sweats and ponytails has become as fun as your weekly date with the treadmill. Sound exciting? Yeah, we didn’t think so.

Porn-babe secret: Men are visual creatures (that’s why porn babes are in business). These gals work this to their advantage and don sexy lingerie and even (gulp!) keep their heels on during the deed, all to enhance the experience.

Tantalizing tip: Slip on a thong underneath your yoga pants or meet him at home in nothing but heels and a great hairdo. Surprising him with something new will show him that he’s worth the effort, which will spark his heart as well as his, um, interest.

7- Come on, gals — fantasize

Good-girl approach: You’d never admit to daydreaming about being intimate with two men or kissing another woman, even if you do — and the thought of your man having a sex dream about Heidi Klum in bed is enough to bring you to tears.

Porn-babe secret: They do things most of us wouldn’t, but the lesson is in their approach, not in their actions. They don’t judge the desires of their partners or take offense at what turns them on. Just because your guy fantasizes about a threesome doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or even that he would want to participate in one in real life. As long as the boundaries of your relationship are maintained, fantasizing is a healthy aspect of sexuality.

Tantalizing tip: Try verbal exploration. Talk him through a threesome or ask him to pretend he’s a stranger. Sharing these kinds of experiences will not only spark amazing sex, but it will also build trust and intimacy, which is always sexy. Discuss boundaries beforehand (some couples have a code word to signal the other to stop when acting out scenarios) and remember: Comfort is key, so don’t participate in anything that makes you uncomfortable.

8- Get creative with the merchandise

Good-girl approach: You have an idea of what works for your guy, which is why you do it again and again and…

Porn-babe secret: They know their partner has dozens of hot buttons — from his toes to the back of his neck — and that half the fun is finding out what works and what doesn’t.

Tantalizing tip: Gently pinch or bite his nipples or kiss his chest and stroke his stomach gently with your nails. When you go below the belt, pay attention to all parts of the package by gently tracing his scrotum with your tongue or pressing on his perineum (the area between his penis and his anus).

9- Be a little selfish

Good-girl approach: You’re tired and overworked, and you haven’t been to the gym in ages. You’d love to get your hair done and take that spinning class, but you promised you’d run errands for your sister (again).

Porn-babe secret: While good girls are taught to deprive themselves, porn babes make self-maintenance a high priority.

Tantalizing tip: Whether it’s a manicure, a blowout or just slathering on a luxurious cream before bed, do something that makes you feel and look good more than once a month. Feeling like you’re worth the splurge will not only boost your confidence, it will make you glow — and that’s hotter than any bustier on the market.

10- Stop doing favors

Good-girl approach: You perform oral sex as a “gift” for whatever special day or tell him that if he’s good, you’ll let him try a new position.

Porn-babe secret: Sexual desire is not a male-specific attribute, nor is it something that should be rationed. In fact, it’s practically as essential to a full life as food, water and shelter. Porn babes do things they know their partner will enjoy, while asking for what they want in return.

Tantalizing tip: No one wants to feel like they are being manipulated or treated like a charity case, so keep the bureaucracy out of the bedroom. Find out what your partner likes, and as long as you are comfortable with it, give it to him generously. The only “requirement” you should have is that he reciprocate on the same level. His taking out the trash isn’t a reason to give him a blow job — your turning him on is.

Things Women Love To Hear

In some ways, women are a bit like Labradors: if you say the right things in an appropriate tone of voice, they’ll do what you want. Alternately, women also have the potential to be like caged lions, and if you piss them off and are dumb enough to stand around, they’ll rip your head off. For that reason, we want to highlight some of the things that women love to hear and show you how certain phrases can consistently be used to score major points. Of course, the last thing we want to do here is spew out a list of platitudes that every guy knows women never get sick of hearing. Instead, we’d like to suggest some alternative phrases and the reasons why they are so effective.

These are not pickup lines; they’re phrases meant to be used on a girl you already know. Perhaps you’ve been dating and you want to take things to the next level. Or maybe it’s even a long-term girlfriend and you’ve been going through a rough patch. You might even be a bit worried that she’s losing interest and is starting to look around for something else. Whatever the case, the following is meant to give you an idea of different ways to verbally press her buttons by saying things women love to hear.

Generally, the things women love to hear can be placed into four categories: compliments about her appearance, words confirming your commitment to a future together, verbal displays of territorialism/jealousy, and questions that demonstrate an interest in her life.

Give compliments

The comedian Chris Rock said that women need three things: food, water and compliments. So, it’s not a matter of women just wanting to hear compliments, they actually can’t live without them. If they don’t get them, they might even shrivel up and die. If you can periodically reel off a nice compliment and genuinely mean it, don’t hesitate to do so because the benefits will come back to you in spades. However, be careful not to flood the air with empty flattery, as even the most attention-starved girl will see through your seduction strategy and call you out.

Examples of things women love to hear:

• “You look incredible.” It’s simple and effective. Every girl wants to hear this, particularly when she has gone to some trouble to look nice.
• “Those jeans look great on you.” This is a polite (and obvious) way of telling her that she has a nice ass.

Show commitment

When you include her in your future plans, you’re giving her a glimpse of the security — whether she’s 19 or 36 — that she probably craves. So, say something that indicates to her that you intend to be a part of her life for a long time. Invite her to a high school reunion that’s still six months away. It’s enough to let her know that you envisage a future together, but not so bold as to suggest marriage and the rest of it.
Examples of things women love to hear:

• “I’d love to take you to (enter place of choice) this summer.”
• “I’m not interested in anyone else.” In any relationship, questions will inevitably arise about your commitment to her, so when she asks, say something like this to counter her doubts and reassure her that you’ve found all you ever needed.

Be Jealous

Being creatures of the natural world, women expect men to be the protectors in a relationship. And when we don’t act like it, they get irritated and begin to look elsewhere. We have to show them how much we care, which means that we have to get territorial once in a while. We’re by no means suggesting violent outbursts and paranoid accusations, but rather, some gentle prodding that demonstrates that you don’t want to lose her to anyone. At the end of the day, if you don’t take an interest in your girl’s well-being, someone else will come along with an offer to do so.

Examples of things women love to hear:

• “Where were you?” You don’t have to be suspicious, just inquire about her whereabouts from time to time.
• “Who’s that guy?” Ask her this in a half-joke, half-serious tone and she will think it’s cute that you’re still evaluating the competition.

Ask questions

You can win major brownie points just by demonstrating an interest in her day-to-day affairs. Of course, this means paying attention to previous conversations and remembering key details that you can impress her with later.

Examples of things women love to hear:

• “How was your day?” Asking her something as simple as this can be an effective and engaging start. Be careful, though: even this phrase has been known to spark hour-long conversations about things that may mean very little to you.
• “How’s your brother doing? Better, I hope?” Show her your compassionate side and ask about her friends or family